Jagr Comeback Percentage Breakdown

Once and Future NHL Superstar Jaromir Jagr is on his way on a plane to New York to announce his return to play in North America.

Here is my percentage breakdown of chances Jagr says the following when stepping off the Plane in JFK this afternoon:

80% “I’m going back to my hockey roots and playing for the Pittsburgh Penguins. I’m honored to be working for my hockey idol Mario Lemieux and thrilled to be playing with great young talents such as Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin, and Kris Letang. My one condition: the team goes back to its mid-90s odd colored alternate jerseys with the triangle pigeon logo so I can truly feel at home.”

11% “I’m looking forward for a new opportunity to play in Soff Euro-troit. Their non-physical, absolutely no fighting, puck possession, subtle interference running, skate all over the neutral zone style is exactly the kind of hockey my game is tailored for.”

5% “Je suis super a excité à être le prochain Européen énigmatique pour venir à Montréal être adoré comme un dieu bizarre. J'aimerais remercier mon google traduit application de téléphone pour ce texte prêt.”

1% “I’m taking my talents to South Beach and signing with the Florida Panthers. Like Lebron, I will demand a contract where I get to take off the final period of crucial playoff games.”

1% “I would like to come here to America to announce my retirement from pro-hockey to pursue a lifelong dream of chasing the lochness monster around the Scottish Highlands”

1% “I’m just here for a quick trip down to the Jersey City blackjack tables, what are all you media types doing here?”

1% Gets off plane, runs over to high-five Mario Lemieux, makes a sharp turn at the last second, from behind a pillar out jumps Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, and Chris Pronger. They beat down Lemieux unmercifully, Jagr rips off his Pens jersey to reveal a NWO/Flyer sweater underneath. Lays out the Big Guy with a stinky leg drop then hoists him back up in order to super kick him through a plate glass window. They spray paint the limp body of the Penguins owner while Brent Johnson glares down from the rafters dressed like Brandon Lee.